I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
