Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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