My room smells like vodka and shame
i already hear my dad disowning me
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
