Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
