how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
