This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
