I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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