that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
