you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
