I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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