You just made me feel so damn special
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
