respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
