is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Randomize
