It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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