I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
