Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
