i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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