She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
