I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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