my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
