you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
