I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
