he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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