If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
