Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
