shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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