Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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