So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
