farters have to be the big spoon...
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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