I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
