I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
