i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
