Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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