Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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