Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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