Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
