Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We talked him into tasing himself.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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