Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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