Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
