I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
