Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
