All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
