Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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