mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
