i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
