I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
