"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
