Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
