She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
