I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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