i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
