remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
