Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
