god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize