bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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