There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
