I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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