i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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