i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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