wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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